Resolution: A firm decision to either do something, or not do something.
Did you make New Year’s Resolutions for 2013? Loretta resolved to find an exercise program she could stick with.
Voice Over: During the first week of January, gym memberships spike.
Loretta, a normal could-be-in-better-shape middle-aged woman, walks into gym full of young hard bodies.
“May I help you?” says the energetic jockette with bare midriff jumping in place behind the counter.
“I’m going to exercise this year.”
“Good for you.” Pops gum. “Do you wanna tour? Over here we have cardio machines – you can walk, run, climb, row, ride a stationary bike, or slide on the elliptical machine.”
“Here’s the changing area. Look – lockers, showers, sinks, and mirrors. Lots of mirrors.”
“Um, can I change in privacy?”
“Well, there’s the toilet stall.”
“Come on. You will love our weight machines. Look how shiny they are.”
“How do I use them?”
“Well, it’s like the hokey-pokey. You put your left foot here and your right foot there. Then you push those thunder thighs out and back in again.”
Loretta shudders. “Do you have exercise classes?”
“You bet. Ever thought about Bollywood dancing?”
Voice Over: Twenty-five per cent of new gym members will not be back the second week. They will however go shopping.
Loretta is one of the 75%.
“Loretta, great to see you again. Love the scarf over sweat pants look. “Bollywood Princess” class starts in five.”
[Sidebar: check out the class on this youtube video. Which one is Loretta? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNqg-cOIIXI ]
“How’d you like the class?”
Loretta clutches counter, panting. “How much?”
“How much what?”
“How much does it cost to look like the teacher?”
“We have a 5-year membership plan.”
Loretta pulls credit card out of her bra. “Sign me up for two plans. I want to look like the Photo de Kareena Bollywood Artiste on your wall.”
Voice Over: Forty-six percent of new gym members will still be sweating after six months. And, yes, turns out Loretta does have a midriff.
Sandra Wagner-Wright is the author of Two Coins: A Biographical Novel and Rama's Labyrinth. Both books are available in digital and print editions at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple Books, and Kobo. Rama’s Labyrinth and Two Coins are available as audiobooks.
Sandra blogs weekly about topics related to her travels, writing life, and the incongruities of life in general.