Sorry I missed last week. Christmas village residents did not want to go back into storage. The ungrateful wretches attacked me and tied me up with cheap garlands. While I gnawed my way out, I got a song stuck in my head. Which brings me to today’s topic:
What famous Christmas carol takes a long time to sing and is not very interesting? The Twelve Days of Christmas
First the history. Catholics in England could not publically worship until 1829. The song is code. The “partridge in the pear tree,” for example, is Jesus. A partridge will sacrifice her life to protect the chicks, a reference to Jesus who sacrificed himself for sinners
Today, the song is about getting strange presents for 12 days. Conversely, all the items could be used for a really terrific party. Why else would anyone want 11 Pipers Piping, 10 Lords Leaping, 9 Ladies Dancing, 8 Maids Milking, 7 Swans Swimming, 6 Geese Laying Eggs, 5 Gold Rings, 4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtledoves, and 1 Partridge in 1 Pear Tree?
CSMonitor.com published a price list. This is a useful resource, but I advise shopping around. You might find a “swan special” somewhere. http://www.csmonitor.com/Business/Latest-News-Wires/2012/1126/12-days-of-Christmas-cost-How-much-is-a-partridge-in-a-pear-tree
You can pick up a partridge for $15. The pear tree seems a bit pricy at $189.99. I suggest planning ahead. If you plant a seedling the previous spring, it could accommodate a small partridge the following January.
Turtledoves – $62.50 each. These seem a bit small for eating. Perhaps as gifts?
French hens cost $55 apiece. This could be due to their foreign language ability. I suggest substituting free range American hens.
Five gold rings — as you know, the price of gold only goes up. Each ring costs $150. I’d let this one go, unless the rings are for you.
Next we have six geese. If you decide to keep them, they are excellent “Watch-fowl.” Each goose goes for $35 — a bargain compared to French speaking hens.
Seven swans swimming. Swans are big birds and not very friendly. Did you know it’s against the law in England for anyone except the queen to eat swan? What does one serve with swan? Does it taste like chicken? [Hmmm…I rub my chin with contemplation.] I found a recipe for roasted swan on The Old Foodie (http://www.theoldfoodie.com/2006/08/how-to-roast-swan.html).
Step One: Pluck
Step Two: Scald
Step Three: Spit, skewer in four places
Step Four: Roast with all its feet and beak (Should that be at 350 degrees for 3-4 hours?)
Step Five: Leave the head unplucked. (Might have worked better to include that information with step one)
Step Six: Serve with yellow pepper
Swan, of course, is the main dish, so it’s worth splashing out at $7000 per swan. Reports suggest swan is tough and not very tasty. But remember, no one else will be having a swan feast.
Where were we? Ah, we now have eight maids milking. For a party this size, I’d prefer eight maids cleaning. Either way, the team, at minimum wage for one hour, will run about $58.
After dinner entertainment provided by Nine Ladies Dancing.
Followed by Ten Leaping Lords
All accompanied by Eleven Pipers.
Cost of Performance $13,623
Total Party Cost (minus the canaries & gold rings) $21,385.99
Look on Handsome Bloke’s face when he sees the bill — Indescribable
Sandra Wagner-Wright is the author of Two Coins: A Biographical Novel and Rama's Labyrinth. Both books are available in digital and print editions at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple Books, and Kobo. Rama’s Labyrinth and Two Coins are available as audiobooks.
Sandra blogs weekly about topics related to her travels, writing life, and the incongruities of life in general.